One year ago today, I was rolled into the operating theatre in Aikchol Hospital, Chonburi, Thailand for a life changing operation. I fell asleep under the anaesthetic with two lovely nurses holding my hands and the whole team standing around me smiling (a memory which still brings a tear to my eye). Dr. Suporn, one of the best genital reconstruction (GRS) surgeons in the world, worked for seven hours to change something which had troubled me since my earliest memories and I woke up that afternoon feeling the most immense sense of relief I have ever felt.
A year on, I can look back at some amazing milestones. Coming out of hospital and recovering in Chonburi, surrounded by other trans women on their way to a life without the ‘trans’ defining them and by a wonderfully sweet and caring team at Dr. Suporn’s clinic, is something which will for ever be with me. Standing outside of the bathroom looking at my new body in the mirror and not being able to remember it as it was is another (I talked about it here).
The recovery from this operation has been another collection of amazing milestones. The four weeks in Chonburi were wonderful, with all that lovely support. Yes, things weren’t always easy (especially those breast massages), but I felt myself growing into my body as I did the daily routines taking care of it. Coming back home, though, was really hard, even with my lovely girlfriend’s continuous support. What a difference it made not having room service and those nurses around! Dilation went from a bore to a battle, taking up to 90 minutes to get to depth with lots of pain and that three times a day. Doing that around work was horrific and looking back at things now, I should have waited another three to four weeks before going back.
That said, those horrible days are part of the recovery and they didn’t last long. A few weeks later and my dilations were down to 20 minutes getting to depth, followed by the 15 minute dilation. Then came the transition to two dilations a day and even shorter times getting to depth. By the end of the year, I was down to twice a week (now once a week) and five minutes getting to depth and it all just became a mundane part of my life.
Whilst a lot of last year was about recovering, the most important parts were about me getting over my past as a trans woman. My transition is certainly not over (I don’t think it ever will be, to be honest, there’s so much to learn and just as much to unlearn), but so much of my life has been focussed on hiding away from being trans or on maintaining the right image once I’d started living life as me and that is all behind me now. I just live as me, now, and it’s amazing how much more energy I can put into other things now that I’m not spending so much on those trans issues!
I will always care about trans issues, though. I hate the discrimination that is still so apparent and I hate the condescending and patriarchal attitude so much part of the medical experience of trans people. I’m also horrified by the ongoing violence towards trans people and will continue doing what I can to raise this issue and make the rest of the world aware that such attacks are still passively condoned by a legal system and cisgendered public which views us as freaks.
That’s a lot to care about, but what was 60% of my life is now 10% of my life and that’s because of what started that day one year ago. My life’s as complex as ever with a long distance relationship and looking for a new job and I still have a last step of my physical transition to plan, namely the facial feminisation surgery I hope to have in the next year or so, but this year has brought me something which I’ve never really had: Contentment about feeling I am as I should be. That makes me really, really happy!
Possibly Related Posts:
- “I don’t like the term ‘cis’!”
- Bindel again involved in deciding trans people’s future
- The LGB and trans lifestyle “choice”
- Trans day of remembrance 2010
- Trans teen dies from fear of transitioning
